"33"

So did you hear that the Rolling Rock brand has been sold to Anheuser-Busch? Big deal, you say? Well here's the thing, our friends in St. Louis only bought the brand, not the Latrobe Brewing Co. The Bud folks say they can brew the beer just as good in Jersey. Ouch.

But what of the glass-lined tanks of Old Latrobe? Well, it looks like a Wisconsin brewery might buy it. If they are smart, the first beer off the line will be a new beer called Old Latrobe Extra Pale.

Meanwhile, a reader of the Plain Dealer asks that Rolling Rock's new overlords replace the "33" on the bottle with a "666." Nice.

SPEAKING OF BOOZE: So I'm reading Esquire's Best Bars in America feature and I get to the Best Bars in the Midwest section. I scroll down and see that Nicky Blaine's is listed as Indy's best bar (It's not. Discuss.) but the more surprising part of the review was its author: Tom Chiarella. One of my English profs in college. I'm just sayin', who knew that when I was writing bar reviews in California that I was really following in Chiarella's footsteps?

(On a side note: Why is it that I had to stumble onto this myself? DePauw does a pretty good job of letting the world know every time a prof is published anywhere. So, what? Reviews of bars don't count? C'mon, DePauw. Know your audience.)

They also had a list of Five Things No Bar Should Have. A quick summary:

1. Natural light. If I'm drinking at 3:00 P.M., the sun should not remind me what time it is.

2. Patrons who are reading. As cool as being drunk at Barnes & Noble.

3. Loud music. I have never been in a bar where people complained about the music being too soft.

4. Dogs.

5. Twenty-two-year-old female bartenders who "just wanna party." I already have enough problems. That's why I came to the bar.

I might also add that no bar should serve Natural Light. Ba-dum.

MEANWHILE: Aaron Spelling, the producer of countless TV hits including The Love Boat, Fantasy Island, Charlie's Angels, Hill Street Blues, Thirtysomething, Dynasty, Melrose Place, T.J. Hooker, The Mod Squad, Hart to Hart, Starsky and Hutch, Charmed, 7th Heaven and, of course, my beloved Beverly Hills 90210, has died. Memorial services are planned for July. It is unclear whether his daughter will officiate.

(Donna Martin officiates! Donna Martin officiates! Donna Martin officiates!)

What? Too soon?