THE ONE WHERE I DRINK TOO MUCH COFFEE

So I made myself some coffee this morning -- something I don't usually do. Most of the time I'll pick something up from Starbucks or the Easy-Mart near work. Anyway, I had about a mug and a half while I was watching Meet the Press and I've been jittery all day. All. Day.

But here's the thing: A mug and a half of coffee is about what Starbucks calls a "grande." Most of the time, I'll kick my Starbucks order up a notch to a "venti." I'm never jittery after a venti latte or whatever the hell I order.

So my question is: Does Starbucks turn the volume down on its coffee so people can order larger sizes? It would make sense. If it were as strong as I make it at home I wouldn't be able to order more than a "tall" coffee -- which at Starbucks costs a buck and some change. But as it is, I'm ordering the $4 venti coffee because... you know... our culture of consumption demands it. So by turning the volume down on their coffee, they squeeze an extra $2.50 out of me.

And of course, as an American, I admire that.

I'M BLOGGER.COM'ING A POST

Look, The OC, Google is a verb. I can Google your cast. I can Google your director. I can even Google up a "Welcome to the OC, bitch" t-shirt.

A9.com, however, is NOT a verb. I don't care how much Amazon paid you to have Lindsay say "I A9.com'ed him" during last night's episode -- it just didn't work. Seriously. Didn't work to the point that I've actually paused the episode just so that I could comment on how badly it didn't work. Check that -- I thought to myself, "what?!" and then TiVo'd up a replay and thought, "what?!" again before realizing that you actually tried to pass off "A9.com'ed him" as something someone would actually say. THEN I paused the episode so I could comment on how badly it didn't work.

So I'm disappointed in you, The OC. But Amazon, I'm even more disappointed in you. You've got a great search engine. You're attractive. Smart. You can show me a picture of every Starbucks near my house. I'm sure you'll make someone very happy someday. But don't force it... you'll only push me away.

UPDATE: I BetaNews.com'd this bidness and found a story that suggests the writers just inserted that bit because they liked A9.com -- not because they were paid to do so. Humm... I can believe that Ryan fell in love with his adoptive mother's father's illegitimate child, but this is still a little hard to swallow.

ONCE IN A LIFETIME

You may remember the following post from last July:

IN CRIME NEWS: I won't rehash the whole sordid tale, but my parent's neighbor in Virginia was acquitted in the poisoning death of her husband. One paper points out that gossip about the case centered in the Somerset Center Store.

I always thought the story sounded a little like some bad Lifetime Movie of the Week. Which made it no surprise that the story has been turned into some bad Lifetime Movie of the Week. I'm not making this up.

Airing tonight, the movie is the story of our neighbor, played by James Brolin, and my grandfather's Hospice nurse, played by Natasha Henstridge. I'm still not making this up.

Lifetime's synopsis of the movie reads as follows: "A wealthy horse breeder hires the beautiful newcomer to look after his terminally ill wife. Shortly after his spouse's death, Hank and Linda tie the knot. But their marriage is off to a rocky start due to rumors of Linda's infidelity. When Hank mysteriously dies, his outraged daughter accuses her new stepmom of killing her father."

I know that sounds pretty salacious, but that's not exactly how it went. Clearly, the filmmakers have taken some liberties with the facts because, in reality, he raised cows, not horses. But I guess they wanted to "sex it up" as they say in Hollywood.

Anyhoo, if you don't catch it tonight (what with 24 and all) it'll be on again later in the week. Check local listings. I don't have a snappy ending for this post. Considering there was a homicide next door to my parents and they made a movie about it, you might think I would. But no. This is why I'm not a writer.

JOHNNY CARSON | 1925-2005

The King of Late Night is dead.

I will be interested to see the reaction from the other late night hosts on Monday. Carson appeared on Letterman's CBS show several times. His photo can be seen hanging on a wall on the set of Conan's show. Meanwhile Leno does everything he can to make people forget Carson ever existed. I wouldn't be surprised if the most heartfelt tribute comes from Letterman -- it's times like this that his instincts as a broadcaster routinely outshine those of his NBC counterpart. Just sayin'.

SHUFFLIN' ON DOWN, DOIN' IT FOR YOU

So I went up to the big Macworld Expo last week and realized something I hadn't about the iPod Shuffle.

It's bling.

No screen? No scroll wheel? Not the point. The point is, "I have an iPod" and, perhaps more importantly, "You don't." All over the convention floor I saw people wearing newly-purchased iPod Shuffles around their necks. The thing was, they weren't listening to them. They didn't even have the headphones plugged in. They were just wearing them. For the hell of it.

"I have one. You don't."

ALSO: Little seemed to be a theme at Macworld. Tiny iPods. Mac Minis. Unfortunately, the show itself also seemed to be going along with that theme. While there are usually two huge show floors -- one with the major players and one with the mom and pop operations -- this year there was but one.

So, while I normally avoid the secondary showroom, the combined expo floor meant that I had the opportunity to be accosted by some guy at a booth asking me to "join the fight against the establishment media." Much to this guy's surprise, I was actually interested in what he had to say. So he told me all about how they were fighting to publish The Truth -- about what I never found out -- in a diatribe that continued until he looked at my name badge and realized that I WAS the establishment media. Our conversation then quickly turned to the NFL Playoffs. (Speaking of: Fucking Patriots. I'm getting sick of them.)

MEANWHILE: Check out the footnotes on Apple's iPod Shuffle page... and it seems one of the top search phrases for my Web site this month is "Steve Jobs loves smoothies." But you know, who doesn't?

CHRISTMAS IN JANUARY

Is it just me, or did Apple just reintroduce the G4 Cube with $1,300 slashed off the price? Brilliant.

And yesterday I was wondering what the hell anybody would want with an iPod Shuffle. I kept thinking, "it's an iPod... but you can't pick the songs." But today I realized I was looking at it all wrong. Have you noticed that those JumpDrive thing-a-ma-deals are getting popular? I know a few people that use them all the time. They are little USB-based storage devices for moving large files around. PC Connection is selling one from Iomega for $104. Now, imagine for five dollars less you could have one that syncs with iTunes and has a headphone jack. Bingo. Brilliant.

But for the first time in a while, I'm most excited about the software announcements. Ken Burns effect in iPhoto? Rock on. Auto-fit slideshows to songs? Excellent. Export Keynote presentations to Flash? Brilliant.

LEAVE THE DRINKING TO THE PROFESSIONALS

So I'm reading the Dec. 29 - Jan 11 edition of the Wave, "Silicon Valley's Finest Entertainment & Lifestyle Magazine" and I come across this in their special Downtown San Jose issue:

THE BAR EXAM
Test your knowledge of Downtown's nightclubs

Clever headline they've got there. But better yet, let's test the Wave's knowledge...

FLYING PIG PUB
A self-proclaimed American Pub, the Flying Pig serves standard beers on tap, in addition to a dizzying assortment of bottled beers and specialty drinks, including the Flying Rita and Bloody Boar. If you need to dilute the alcohol with some solids, the pub serves its own variety of dinner grub until two in the morning, every night of the week.

I would wonder if the half dozen bottled beers they had really qualified as a "dizzying assortment." Dizzying, perhaps, if you've already had a drink or seven. And I want to know who the Wave thinks is getting served food until two in the morning? I mean, if by "you" they meant "you, Kenney Marlatt" then perhaps they were correct. But I'm pretty sure they meant "you, general public" - and frankly I'd like to see Joe San Ho order up a plate of Mississippi Chicken at 1:30 a.m. Not gonna happen, Chachie. And what's with the "every night of the week" bit? I don't care what time it is, the Pig isn't serving anything on a Sunday. All of this, of course, is moot, as the Pig shut down for good two days after this issue hit the streets. Something the Wave would have known had they read, say, the real Bar Exam.

Just sayin'.

UNHAPPY NEW YEAR

Dre pours a beer on our last Monday at the Pig.

HIGHLAND PARK, IL -- I'd wish everyone a happy new year but really, it will not be that happy. As reported earlier, our beloved Flying Pig Pub closed its doors for good last night. You could find me at the Pig every Monday night after work for the last four years. I shudder to think about the financial investment I've made in that place over the years.

But the point is, in a crushing blow of epic proportions, I couldn't be there last night. So until a New Pig rises from the ashes of the old, I'll leave you with this and I'll see you on opening night somewhere down the road.