DEEP THROAT REVEALED IN ANTI-CLIMAX

A Vanity Fair article published today reveals that W. Mark Felt, former No. 2 man at the FBI, was the Watergate informant dubbed "Deep Throat."

The thing is, Mark Felt ain't dead.

But I have my suspicions that he may not be all that coherent anymore either. The poorly-written story in Vanity Fair is authored by the family's lawyer and gives hints that the desire to unmask Deep Throat may have belonged more to Felt's children and less to Felt himself. The quotes in the story are few and far between... and what few there are were said years ago - and under the guise of attorney-client privilege. The story suggests that Felt has now waived that right.

But if Felt really wanted his identity revealed, don't you think Bob Woodward, Carl Bernstein, Ben Bradlee and the Post would have been the ones to do it? Instead, the Post is running a wire story on their Web site and those involved are giving a "no comment."

I have to wonder if Woodward & Co. don't question Felt's mental capacity to make this decision. For decades they have protected Deep Throat's identity, saying it would only be revealed at the time of his death - unless Deep Throat changes their agreement. If Deep Throat outed himself then certainly that agreement has changed. But in that case, why are Woodward & Co. continuing to stick by their Watergate-era pact? Makes you wonder what Woodward and Felt talked about over martinis six years ago...

ALSO: What's with all these people and the first initial? W. Mark Felt... E. Howard Hunt... G. Gordon Liddy... L. Patrick Gray... J. Edgar Hoover... I mean, how pretentious is that?

Signed,
W. Kenney Marlatt

MEANWHILE: Supreme Court to Arthur Andersen: Oops!

MAKING THEIR WAY THE ONLY WAY THEY KNOW HOW

Ahhh spring. Clouds and hail give way to sun and heat. Flowers bloom. The swallows return to San Juan Capistrano. And the models return to Santa Cruz.

MEANWHILE: Ben "Cooter" Jones is none too happy with Warner Bros. and their upcoming Dukes of Hazzard movie:

"I told them I'm interested in being involved in any way I can," Jones says. "I know more about this show than anybody. I'm a person that cares about the work that I have done, and a project that I was involved in for 25 years. I understand the audience. They are me. We're the same."

"I wrote this long thoughtful piece about how and why this works and what people expect when they see that name 'Dukes of Hazzard,' " Jones says. "Of course, they blew me off; didn't even respond to it.

"Now, I know several presidents extremely well. I've met lots of heads of state who will answer my phone calls. I know Nelson Mandela. I've been in war zones. I stood in Tiananmen Square and hung a banner for democracy on behalf of the Chinese people. I've been out there. And these people -- these guys! -- won't answer my phone call."

OH C'MON! HAIL? SERIOUSLY?

Can you believe this weather? This is California for chrissakes...

GOD BLESS AMERICA

I just got around to watching President Bush's news conference from last week. (The White House faked out Stevo the Tivo, which thought it was recording the O.C.) I gotta say, there's nothing more American than seeing the president speak to the nation on Fox. Their news division showed their patriotism by giving us a heavy dose of animated American flags and presidential seals ... and then at 8:59 Shepherd Smith patriotically cut the president off mid-sentence.

Paris Hilton waits for no one.

I WATCH GILMORE GIRLS. THERE. I SAID IT.

So I'm watching Gilmore Girls (the reruns on ABC Family) and Lorelai tells Rory that whenever she talks to her mother all she hears is "blah blah blah Ginger." I love a TV show that's willing to make a joke based on a single Far Side cartoon.

(Incidentally, that's what's wrong with newspapers. We spend way too much time making sure everybody gets the joke.)

IS A PUZZLEMENT

Why does 7-Eleven sell hot-dog buns and hamburger buns if it doesn't sell hot-dogs and/or hamburgers?